fandango depression

Fandango is depressing.

I’m not talking about the Kevin Costner movie. Did you know there’s a Kevin Costner movie titled Fandango?

I’m talking about the movie tickets website. I visit Fandango on the regular, but lately, Fandango is depressing. Is “on the regular” a saying?

Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic. There are, in fact, several things in the western world that are more depressing: that Sarah McLachlan commercial, long TSA lines, divorce, etc.

However, every time I look at Fandango I get a pit in my stomach, a melancholy ache, because every time I search for showtimes, the locator is never where I am. When I’m in Indiana, it looks up times in Malibu. Malibu! I love the ocean. When I’m in California, I see the Mooresville Movie Theater as the number one result. My home! There are probably people I know seeing that movie at 2:35. Even when the locator is close to where I’m at (i.e. the same state), it’s usually super far away. Those are the nice theaters! I can’t even enjoy this movie now because I know that 50 miles away is a superior theater.

Fandango is just the worst.

But it’s not. Not really.

It just makes me homesick for places I’ve been, places I love, and places I know people are having fun at. Living apart from people you love is like going to sleep early. You hear you’re family laughing in the living room, and you feel like you’re missing out.

I guess that’s not wholly Fandango’s fault.

But it is. It really kind of is.

For the love of dark chocolate -I do love dark chocolate- I need to figure out how to take the zip code preset off of Fandango before I destroy it (which would probably result in just destroying my computer a la Ron Swanson.)

throwback thursday: hometown glory

This week’s special edition of Throwback Thursday takes less of trip through time and more of a glimpse through space.

I am from Mooresville, Indiana, not to be confused with Moore’s Hill, Indiana.  Mooresville is small, central town probably closer to Parks and Rec‘s Pawnee than we Mooresvillians will admit.  This is supported by the fact that my dad, much like Ron Swanson, lives on meat, eggs, and coffee and hates skim milk and big government.  Also much like Pawnee, Mooresville is charmingly ridiculous (and also ridiculously charming).  It’s the “heart of the heart of the country.”  I stole this phrase from William H. Gass, and although he uses it for Ohio, I often pass it off as my own description of Mooresville.  By often, I mean the the other time I used it.

Let’s look at five Mooresville facts because I want to. (NOTE: While some of these came from my mind, others came from wikipedia, and I think this adds to the ridiculousness).

1. Mooresville’s best restaurants (and what to order): Biff’s (bismark), Gray’s (pie and chicken and noodles), Hong Kong (crab rangoon), Squealer’s (pulled pork) and Starbucks (coffee)


2. My middle school’s name is Paul Hadley, after the Mooresvillian designer of the State Flag.  My elementary school’s name is Neil Armstrong, after the man on the moon who was at no point a Mooresville resident.

3. There is a Ponderosa in Mooresville that I’m pretty sure only stays open because of its claim to fame, a visit from Ronald Reagan in 1985.

4. Mooresville’s famous residents:

John Dillinger – The town plays a really important role in the Johnny Depp movie, Public Enemies, like when Dillinger says, “I was raised on a farm in Mooresville, Indiana,” and then it’s never mentioned again.

Frank Inn – Inn was the owner and trainer of Orangey (the cat in Breakfast At Tiffany’s), Arnold (the pig from Green Acres), and Higgins (most commonly known as, “Benji”). My mom grew up across the street from his family’s farm, and once, Inn brought Benji to church where he actually bowed his head, folded his paws, and prayed.


Sammy Lee Davis – “The Real Forrest Gump.” The majority of Gump’s time in Vietnam came from Davis, and I’m just going to say it, the majority of Gump’s… mind also came from Davis.  Davis came to school to talk and show off his Medal of Honor once.  The guy told us his heroic story, but honestly, I only remember being irate that none of his children used their automatic acceptance to a military academy. Not sure what this says about me.

5.  Movies made in Mooresville: (a) about fifteen seconds of Hoosiers, (b) …

That’s it for facts.  In other news…



Now, let’s look at some Ron Swanson quotes my dad has paraphrased without ever having seen the show:

“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”

“Turkey can never beat cow.”

“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

“History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.”