I’m not going to apologize. I feel like I finally need to give up that tick.
I guess I’ll just start with this: I miss you. I miss you a lot.
We’ve been together for a while, with some good stretches and the bad ones. This was a bad stretch.
But here’s what I want, okay? I want to fall in love with you again.
Not in love with what you can do, not in love with how you are with others, not in love with what you were to me once.
I want to fall in love. With YOU. Again.
You and me. Because you’re always there, aren’t you? In the morning’s dark hours, I look at you with the dog still warming my feet. I whisper to you in the middle of work. I walk with you. I drive with you.
I’ve been pushing you out of those moments. Keeping you away. Telling myself that I don’t have time. Telling myself that life is really okay without you.
And life really is okay without you.
But I’m not okay without you.
Remember in the early days when it was easy? When you’d wake me up in the middle of the night? When you filled my head with dreams about where we could go together? When I was satisfied to call you an indulgence.
Things are different now. We know each other. You’re difficult. You won’t leave me alone, and when I do give you time, you’re stagnant.
I’m difficult too. I know. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to stir up strife between us, but if you’re good for me, that automatically means I don’t like you.
Right now I don’t have butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. Right now I’m groaning that we even have to talk. And I’m a little afraid. Afraid that we aren’t right for each other. Because what if we aren’t right for each other? What if I just let you go? Loosen the grasp and let you float away, total Jack-style. (Or would it be Rose-style?)
But then I remember. We’re tethered, you and I. We’re tied together, and I can either run and keep running or I can embrace that every morning you’ll be staring me in the face. I have that choice, and I could run.
But I love you. I love you, and we’ll get through this bad stretch, won’t we? I think we will.